Some critics have a tendency to label Buddhism as a religion with supra-mundane goals, devoid of the concept of love and friendship for living in this world. But the Tripitaka furnishes us with ample evidence to prove that the Buddha considered living in harmony and friendship without disputes (Samagga Sammodamana avivadamana) an important human relationship based on love. Metta or Loving Kindness envelopes much more than mere love. Etymologically the word Metta means the nature of a friend - (mittassa sabhavo).
In other words, a friendly spirit which is edified, not only on love, but on loving kindness. In modern parlance, the word "love" has rather a cheap connotation, but Metta when taken in its real perspective encapsulates all the noble human feelings a person could shower on another."Metta (loving kindness), Karuna (compassion), Muditha (altruistic joy) and Upeksha (equanimity), which are known as Satara BrahmaVihara or the Four Noble patterns of behaviour form the very sheet anchor of Buddhist friendly, ethical conduct. The spirit of love and friendship promulgated by these, cover a much wider spectrum than mere love, which is supposed to be lacking in Buddhism.
Again, it occurs in Majjhima Nikaya that once the Buddha questioned Ven. Anuruddha how the Bhikkhus were getting along with each other, and the Venerable replied thus, "Lord, we have diverse bodies but assuredly only one mind." (Na na hi kho pan a bhante kayam ekam ca kho manne cittam).
Friendship is a force that has no parallel; there is no other single power that can generate good qualities in a person as friendship with the good because, after a certain age children stop emulating their parents and start imitating their friends. The Buddha's advice regarding friends could be well comprehended by absorbing the contents of the Sigalovada Sutra. Sigala, who had very devout Buddhist parents was indifferent to religion. The Buddha explained inter alia who an evil friend and a good friend are:- A foe in the guise of a friend or a Papa Mitta will appropriate a friend's possessions, render mere lip service, flatter, will give little with the idea of taking much, will associate for his own advantage, tries to gain favor by empty words and when the opportunity arises for action, he will give an excuse and express his inability to render any service. An evil friend also praises and approves his friends bad deeds whlle the good deeds go unnoticed and upraised. He praises the friend in his presence and rebukes him in his absence.
The Buddha has explained further how a foe in the guise of a friend (mitta patirupaka) brings about the ruin of a person in four ways. He is a companion in indulging in intoxicants which gives rise to infatuation and heedlessness. He is a ready companion to frequent the streets at ungodly hours. He is a companion to attend theatrical shows and he is a companion in gambling which causes one's downfall. Next, the Buddha tells Sigala the four types of friends who could be reckoned as warmhearted and dear. He who is a helpmate, does not change in happiness or sorrow, gives good counsel and sympathizes. Upakaro ca ya mitto-yo ca mitto sukhe dukkhe dtthakkhayi ca yo mitto-ya ca-mittanukampike." A wise person having understood these four kinds of friends, should cherish them and associate with them as a mother tends her only son. (etepi mitte cattaro-Iti vinnaya pandita, sakkaccani payiru paseyya Mata puttamva orasam).
According to Nettippakarana there are seven qualities by which you can judge a friend. He should be pleasant and loveable, respectful, worthy of emulation, willing to engage in useful conversation, willing to tolerate words, engages in profound talk and never exhorts groundlessly. Today, the younger generation have a tendency to shun good advice and show resentment when their faults are pointed out by even parents. A stanza in the Dhammapada spells out a bit of excellent advice. "Someone who points out your mistakes, declare them as weaknesses and condemns them, think of such a person as one showing you a treasure. Associate with wise people of that nature. (midhinam va pavattaram-yam passe vajja dassinam; niggayhavadim medhavi tadisam pabditam bhaje). This shows that a friend need not be always sweet and soft spoken, but could resort to constructive criticism.
Buddha has explained that if someone wants to bring about his own ruin or downfall, he could associate with Papa mitta or evil friends who are gamblers, libertines, tripplers, cheats, swindlers or violent thugs. Buddhist Commentarial Tradition defines a friend thus: - "A friend is one whose association leads to spiritual profitability, protects you from evil that may befall you and is inclined towards your welfare."
In this manner, Buddhism points out the basic ingredients to foster a healthy friendship, minimize friction and displeasure, promote good will, and companionship and ultimately bring about one's welfare here, and spiritual progress leading to the realization of the Supreme Bliss of Nirvana.
The foregoing facts show that Buddha's admonition regarding how to chose friends, win them and keep them expounded in the 6th Century before the common era surpasses all books of the twentieth century on this subject and the Buddhist Concept of Friendship remains a vibrant force forever.
"People affect each other in subtle and complex ways, and it is important to develop the ability to discern the nature of that influence. According to Buddhism, 'bad' friends are those who encourage our weaknesses. A truly good friend is someone with the compassion and courage to tell us even those things we would prefer not to hear, which we must confront if we are to develop and grow in our lives." Ananda, one of Shakyamuni Buddha's closest disciples, once asked him: "It seems to me that by having good friends and advancing together with them, one has already halfway attained the Buddha way. Is this way of thinking correct?"Shakyamuni replied, "Ananda, this way of thinking is not correct. Having good friends and advancing together with them is not half the Buddhist way but all the Buddhist way."
This may seem surprising, as Buddhism is often viewed as a solitary discipline in which other people might be seen as more of a hindrance than a help. However, to polish and improve our lives ultimately means to develop the quality of our interpersonal relationships--a far more challenging task than any solitary discipline. Our practice of Buddhism only finds meaning within the context of these relationships.
From another perspective, given that Buddhist practice of polishing and aiming to improve our lives from within is a constant challenge and a difficult process, it is only natural that we need support from others also dedicated to walking a correct path in life, trying also to create value in their lives.
SGI President Daisaku Ikeda has written, "Having good friends is like being equipped with a powerful auxiliary engine. When we encounter a steep hill or an obstacle, we can encourage each other and find the strength to keep pressing forward." And as Nichiren (1222--1282) wrote: "Even a feeble person will not stumble if those supporting him are strong, but a person of considerable strength, when alone, may lose his footing on an uneven path..."
In Nichiren Buddhism, good friends are known as zenchishiki or good influences, while akuchishikirefers to bad influences. People affect each other in subtle and complex ways, and it is important to develop the ability to discern the nature of that influence. According to Buddhism, "bad" friends are those who encourage our weaknesses. In Nichiren's words: "Evil friends are those who, speaking sweetly, deceiving, flattering and making skillful use of words, win the hearts of the ignorant and destroy their goodness of mind."
Even when intentions are good, the degree of our positive influence on each other will vary. Tsunesaburo Makiguchi, founder of the Soka Gakkai, used the following illustration. Say you have a friend who needs a certain amount of money. Giving your friend the money they need is an act of small good, while helping them find a job is an act of medium good. However, if your friend is really suffering because of a basic tendency toward laziness, then constantly helping him or her out may only perpetuate negative habits. In this case, true friendship is helping that person change the lazy nature that is the deep cause of their suffering.
A truly good friend is someone with the compassion and courage to tell us even those things we would prefer not to hear, which we must confront if we are to develop and grow in our lives. Ultimately, however, whether people are good or evil influences in our lives is up to us. In Buddhist terms, the best kind of zenchishiki is one who leads us to strengthen our own faith and practice in order to thoroughly transform our karma. To quote Nichiren again, "the best way to attain Buddhahood is to encounter a zenchishiki, or good friend." Further, Nichiren comments that Devadatta, the cousin of Shakyamuni who tried to kill him and divide the Buddhist order, was "the foremost good friend to Thus Come One Shakyamuni. In this age as well, it is not one's allies, but one's powerful enemies who assist one's progress."
This expresses a key concept in Buddhism. Due to the immense transformative powers of Buddhist practice, even "bad" friends can have a good influence if we make our relationships with them into opportunities to examine, reform and strengthen our lives. The ideal is ultimately to develop the kind of all-encompassing compassion expressed by Nichiren when he wrote that his first desire was to lead to enlightenment the sovereign who had persecuted him, repeatedly exiling and even attempting to behead him.
“I was raised a Buddhist and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years,” Woods said. “Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and learn restraint. Obviously I lost track of what I was taught.”
To me, Woods’ lengthy apology felt true and complete. But I am not a Buddhist.
I wanted to know what his mea culpa sounded like to Buddhist ears, so I checked with a few Buddhist friends to gauge their reaction.
“His apology was sincere, humble and brave,” according to Robert Joshin Althouse, head of the Zen Life & Meditation Center in Oak Park, Ill. “It went a long way to redeeming him in the eyes of his fans. Now he needs to follow his words with actions, and Buddhism has plenty of teachings for helping him do that.
“One of the central teachings of Buddhism is compassion. The moral foundation of this religion is based on the elimination of suffering. All Mahayana Buddhists take a vow to live their lives for the sake of liberating others from suffering. This kind of bravery and compassion never gives up on anyone or anything. That would seem to be the very nature of redemption itself.”
My friend Carolyn Reyes, a lawyer and Buddhist convert from Christianity who practices at the Zen Center in San Francisco, thought Woods sounded “robotic” and that his comments about his Buddhist “faith” were an opportunistic attempt to appeal to fans with religious convictions.
That said, Reyes went on to say that Buddhism has taught her that, “We are all addicts. Drugs, sex, etc., are some sexy addictions that I don’t struggle with, but mine are just as destructive. My addiction to wanting to be liked is high on my list of countless habitual patterns. How often to I really greet the moment with fresh eyes, a wide-open heart, free of preconceived ideas, expectations and prejudices?”
Robert Inchausti, a professor at California Polytechnic State University who has written widely about Thomas Merton and Buddhism, said Woods’ apology reminded him of Jack Kerouac’s novel Big Sur, which recounts the beat poet’s “lost” weeks at a friends cabin in Big Sur struggling to overcome a debauched lifestyle and the effects of crushing celebrity. Like Woods, Kerouac — at least for a period of his life — practiced Buddhism.
“Compared to Kerouac’s cry from the heart, Tiger Woods’ ‘apology’ is pale and seems a bit cagey,” Inchausti said. “If he is wrestling himself free from a false sense of entitlement, as he put it, it’s clear he hasn’t even begun to wrestle himself free from the protocols of celebrity. This is probably as much our fault as it is his.”
For Stephen Asma, a professor at Columbia College in Chicago and author of the new book Why I Am a Buddhist: No-Nonsense Buddhism with Red Meat and Whiskey, thought Woods’ explanation of how Buddhism will help him get his life back on track was helpful and accurate.
“Craving is what causes suffering and he was really stepping in it,” Asma said. “That was what he was sorry about and that is what’s on everyone’s map of his unethical activities…Those things that enslave you — your own craving — is basically how we define a sin in Buddhism.”
Woods’ mother, Kultida, who taught her son about Buddhism, is from Thailand — a “cultural Buddhist,” Asma explained. “Cultural Buddhists’ attitude toward their religion is very different from Western Buddhists. They wear the cloak loosely. They’re not strung up by it.
“They take a charitable approach to themselves and the moral life. In other words, they sin, they recognize it, they know they’ll have to pay for it, but then they get back on the horse and try again.”
Many people, Buddhist or not, have been harshly critical of Woods’ apology, calling it too little too late, a publicity stunt, disingenuous and hollow.
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